Random

I have had the last three days off, it has been nice. But it has also given me way too much time to think. I read somewhere that when a person is around running water, their thoughts are clearer. Well, when I am at home the water is constantly running it seems like. The washing machine is going, the dishwasher, kids playing in the faucet, or someone in the shower. And if it's me that is taking a shower, don't expect to see me reappear for at least 25 minutes! I love the effect running water has on my thoughts. Sometimes  I jump out of the shower and jot down the wonderful ideas that just came to me. Most of the thoughts  have been completely random lately. Like, if I died, who would go to my funeral. Or if I died, what would people have to say about me (that actually crosses my mind a lot). If I ever became famous, the press would have tons of dirt to dig up on me! That would keep them busy for a while. RANDOM! Then I think, who thinks these things?

I have been second guessing myself also. Do I really want to go into welding? Is this what I want for the rest of my life? Or am I just scared again. I never complete anything anymore. I know that I would love to be a nurse, but I can not get a license because I am a convicted felon; even though the charge is almost 10 years old. I would like to be a journalist. But going to school for that doesn't exactly guarantee a job. I would like to be a psycologist, oh but wait, I hated my psych classes! I really just need to stop second guessing myself and just throw myself into something. The first day of classes is January third, welding it is.

I can not believe that soon there will be hard liquor available in more that state ran liquor stores soon. I have to believe that my foundation is built and is strong enough, that I will stay clean. See what I mean, random thoughts.

I am reading a book called "Write It Down, Make It Happen" by Henriette Anne Klauser. This is my third time reading it. AMAZING!!! I highly recommend it!

SICK

I was looking over my list of to-do's, I did manage to get some of the things accomplished. I would have liked to get more done. There is always tomorrow! Tomorrow is a big day for me. I start working toward a welding certification in January. Welding is something I have never done before, though I am very confident I will succeed at this profession. Tomorrow is my test drive! My husband is a carpenter and works with some very skilled welders. One of them has agreed to show me the ropes. I am nervous and excited. I feel like it's the night before the first day of school. What should I wear? lol I am trying not to stress about it too much.
I really wanted a glass of wine with dinner tonight. Booze is starting to sound better with every passing day it seems. I have to keep reminding myself that if I drink, I lose who I am completely. You see, I can't just have a glass of wine with dinner. That glass turns into two bottles, and then I find the vodka, or beer, or triple sec. Yes, I have drank a bottle of triple sec. I got so sick after. Physically sick. I have to remember that alcohol makes me sick in more than just a physical way though. It makes me emotionally sick, spiritually sick, my whole life becomes sick. My thoughts are not that of a normal person. My whole existance revolves around how I can get wasted and still put on a show for my family, friends and co-workers so that they don't realize just how sick I have become.

This is not something that I am proud of. But this is real. These are a few of the things I have to think about every day. Sometimes having a drink only crosses my mind once a day. Some days, it is all I can do to get it out of my head. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? I can tell I haven't called my sponsor in a few days. I'll put that on my to-do list for tomorrow. That will be first on my list!

Endless

I have the hardest time getting up in the morning. I wake up, get the twins breakfast, then lay back down. I don't sleep, I just lay there, thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time.  I feel bad, like a horrible mother. I feel as though I should be up doing things with my kids. I am just so tired lately. I have always enjoyed having a night job. I have thrived on it actually. I am such a night person. I had one day job at a sandwich shop once, that didn't last long! I have always worked for tips, so working for just a paycheck at minumum wage was a huge wake-up call. Lately, though, I feel as though I just need to do something else. I love working in the bar. I love my co-workers, most of my customers are great, and the money is good. My role as a mother and wife is much more important though. I just don't think I can do both anymore. And NO! I am not going to leave my family.
So, I woke up this morning, and did nothing. I got my kids breakfast, then sat on the bed and watched cartoons with them. We watched cartoons until noon, then I made lunch. I searched the internet for recipies, blog spots, and for a good book to read.

The next thing I knew, it was 1:30 and I still had accomplished nothing for the day. UGH... This is such a downer for me. I hate wasting my time! By the time I had to go to work, the twins' room was half-ass clean, the dishes in the dishwasher, groceries were bought, and I found a recipe for pumpkin pie cheesecake. I guess the day didn't turn out too bad.

I didn't have to work, it wasn't busy enough. I got to go home and make the cheesecake. I also got to hang out with my family before the kiddos had to go to sleep. That was nice. I have the next two days off, I am praying that I can get my butt motivated. I am in the middle of two craft projects, one painting, and I have a house that could really use  a deep cleaning. The addict in me could really use a meeting, the kids would really love to go to the park or just anywhere to just get out of the house, I have birthday invitations to finish and mail, I need to do a little on step #3, bills need to be paid attention to, I have paperwork to turn into Perry Tech. Oh my! lol Tomorrow will be quite busy... if I get out of bed... hmmm.